Forget what Wikipedia tells you. If you believe Keith Richards was born in 1943, you probably also believe that “diet soda” is a health food and that Mick Jagger’s hips are actually made of organic cartilage.
The truth is much older, wrinklier, and reeks faintly of Marlboro Reds and bourbon. Based on carbon dating and the fact that he once gave guitar lessons to a young Alexander Hamilton, Keith Richards is officially celebrating his 367th birthday this week.
A Timeline of a Legend
While most rock stars are content with a “Best Of” album, Keith’s discography is better categorized by geological epochs.
- 1659: Keith is born. He immediately complains that the midwife’s rhythm is “a bit too stiff.”
- 1776: Keith writes a draft of “Start Me Up” on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson tells him the lyrics are “a bit too modern,” so Keith swaps it for a bottle of rum and a revolutionary-era Telecaster.
- 1865: During the American Civil War, Keith is spotted at a saloon in Kentucky. He is the only man in history to survive a gunshot wound because the bullet hit his liver and immediately dissolved in a pool of 100-proof whiskey.
- 1912: Keith misses the boarding of the Titanic because he was “stuck in a haze” in a London pub. He later describes the disaster as “a bit of a dampener.”
- 2026: Keith successfully completes his 142nd world tour. Scientists confirm that his blood type is now “Industrial Grade Lubricant.”
The Secret to Longevity: The “Pickle” Method
How does a man who has consumed enough substances to sedate a blue whale survive to see the 21st century? The scientific community has a few theories:
- The Human Pickle: Doctors believe Keith has reached such a level of internal preservation that bacteria simply give up when they enter his bloodstream. He isn’t “aging”; he’s “curing” like a fine Serrano ham.
- The Cigarette Shield: Every time someone smokes a cigarette, it takes three minutes off their life and gives it to Keith Richards. It’s a biological tax that he’s been collecting since the Victorian era.
- The “No Exercise” Rule: Keith famously avoids the gym. “I don’t run,” he once said. “I find it messes with the ash on my cigarette.” By remaining perfectly still for 300 years, he has conserved enough energy to power a small European nation.
We’re Not Leaving Him a Better World…
There is a common saying among environmentalists: “We need to save the planet for our children.” This is incorrect. At this rate, we are simply trying to make sure there’s a habitable rock left for Keith Richards to sit on when the rest of us are gone.
When the sun finally expands and swallows the Earth, there will be nothing left but two things: cockroaches and Keith Richards, leaning against a charred rock, tuning his guitar and asking, “Where’s the nearest pub, mate?”
